CubeHelix

My sheer lack of sanity, in text.

Suffering a total loss of identity this morning, or perhaps just the insight to actually notice why it feels like bombs have been going off in my psyche lately. It’s time to boot myself up the arse and get my identity back and become someone who’s reflection I can handle looking into the mirror at.

My hair is currently too short due to a butcher of a hairdresser. Fortunately, this gives me the opportunity to grow myself and measure the progress by the length of my hair, just as I did so long ago.

Look out cunts, I’m back… again.

It seems that without publicly displaying my blog, I am actually able to keep it going. Feel free to analyze that, I know I have been.

Anyhoo nothing opinionated or political tonight, this is just more of a little blurty vent. Just wanting to rant about how bored I really am with my life in general. I am perpetually finding myself in bad jobs ever since I left the only good one I had, which of course means I am stuck living with family… the wrong side of family. The catholic fucked up family. Lots of money, a bit of power but generally toxic to be around. I have boxed and boxed of shit I “own” that I just want to rid myself of because it is all weighing me down. I wonder why my mind has been so clouded recently (and always) and I am slowly beginning to realise it is due to the sheer amount of material shit in my life, Now don’t get me wrong, I am not on a Buddhist or Jedi streak here of releasing all material possessions, in fact I love my material possessions, but to a limit. I am so over all the crap I am still hauling around since I was just five years old (the age I associate with gaining consciousness). I want to clear the garbage once and for all, I want to get a decent job that doesn’t hurt me to participate in,  I don’t know if I will be finding sanity any time soon but one foot on the ground sure would be nice.

Next topic is my boyfriend. I managed to hook that guy (and if he reads this I hope he knows I do love him). We have all these watery emotions for each other and seem to be jumping to a passionate, sometimes sexual place every time we see each other. Why? Because although we see each other often, it is in short periods of time where there is no time for real deep conversations and we have not yet gotten to know each other enough yet. Although I am sure our pasts will never break us up, I am growing ever more agitated at this lack of information that we have yet to share with each other. The passion is nice, the sexual activity is nice but the ever-active brain in my skull is going insane without a full background history on this guy.

Speaking of my brain, next topic. This is much like the first paragraph but different. Different in the way that my brain is extremely agitated at the lack of activity it is getting. I used to think that switching off my brain was the key to happiness but it is not a possible task and I am sick of the dumbed-down version of my life that I am living compared to the spectacular life I could currently be leading. I loathe the fact that I have fallen into a severe rut that does not allow me to pull myself up at this point. I am now trying to be a “good person” and stopping the one thing that actually amused me, which was mind games (or the mindfucking of those around me). So although I can continue my home studies,  it seems I get to use my knowledge of the things that interest me less and less. To add to the pile of shit, I am once again enjoying the benefits of anxiety related insomnia which means I am having to down cheap wine to maintain a bearable sleeping pattern and until I level out again I am dealing with irritating short-term memory loss (a bitchy symptom of both depression and anxiety) and a difficulty studying/learning (another bitchy symptom).

On top of all this, I seem to be gaining a bit of weight lately and my natural “purge the calories” instinct is kicking in… I think I may just give in to these old urges, swallowing mouthfuls of puke is beginning to agitate the fuck out of me.

I just need to keep working at things to get a system back together ergo getting my mind under control. Now on the verge of a panic attack so wrapping this up. Actually ending it… Goodnight.

Well really, a few things coming together.

Something very interesting yet expected has been happening lately. Since I have had a boyfriend, all those around me who are single have turned on me, all of a sudden seeing me as the enemy. While I was expecting such a reaction from a few, I was not prepared for the sheer lack of logic in peoples presentations of aggression. Meanwhile I don’t mind really, there are bigger things to focus on at the moment. Though this aggression really has charged me live again… Very sick really.

A recent news article posted this.

GAY men should be free to attend Kylie Minogue concerts, drink exotically coloured cocktails and talk about boys, a British Supreme Court justice says.

Read more: http://www.news.com.au/world/gay-right-to-shriek-at-kylie-minogue/story-e6frfkyi-1225889557980#ixzz0t9JgxUJv

Clever title yeah?

Ugh pretty much here is the deal, I got all this blog stuff back together for the sole purpose of having some fun rants, some restious rants, whavever. It seems like since I have gotten this damn thing up though my brain has head off for a nice little sabbatical. It seems like I am just a boring guy who loses to his computer in games of Scrabble ugh. I can’t help but think that perhaps the mess in my room may be blocking some of my creative flow but other than that, I just seem to have nothing on my mind…. perhaps my new boyfriend has just taken up all my thoughtspace…. I DO miss him…

I’m thinking soon that I am going to get to work on a story (via a seperate blog on this site) perhaps with a title along the lines of Origins or something. Essentially it would be some sort of epic drama rant over who knows how long. Just not 100% on if it is worth doing… I need to nap on this.. why am I always so tired?!

Sooo a little while ago, we managed to score a female PM, that’s pretty damn cool. In just a week she managed to sort out all that mining tax drama and is now looking at the next fixer-upper, the boat people, as well as making references to looking for a “sustainable population”….

Well perhaps I’ll just put a few dot-points on what I have noticed in the media very recently.

- Boat people issue
- Unaffordable housing
- Unemployment issues
- Anti-Government muslim groups preaching anarchy
- Usual terrorism issues.

My personal thoughts are that the entire thing is a damn mess, though the problem all seems to be linked to the one issue. Allowing too much influence from other countries. Much of our housing is purchased by international buyers/immigrants to the country, leaving many with a very poor chance at buying a house.

Boat people who arrive via illegal channels allows for all sorts of unscreened trash to wash up on our shores,, and many places hire illegals at a much cheaper price because they can’t exactly report their situation.

Many many jobs are exported overseas each year, and then on the other side, employees are imported. Who gets a “fair go” there?

On top of all that, many come to this country claiming they had to escape from their own horrid countries., while then deciding Australia should be changed to their old belief system…. the very system that they tried to escape. Reality check? Unfortunately it’s not very PC to go deporting them.

Ms Gillard, you probably won’t be PM for long, if you really believe what you have been saying, I’d say get radical really fast, do lots of crazy shit as fast as you can so that people can see results ASAP, who knows, it may just be your saving grace.

P.S If you legalise gay marriage, that would probably be just enough to get you over the winning line, I mean lets face it, bible bashers are only going to vote for other bible bashers as it is, it’s not like you’ll lose that vote.

So I am spending the night at my Mother’s, I will admit I am bored as hell. I’m just in on her computer, blogging away while she watched Top Gear then Masterchef….

I’m bored enough that my brain is wanting to do fun things like start a podcast orrrr get some vlogging done or of course, drink a bucket of wine and watch movies until I pass out (a perfectly decent way to spend a Sunday night!)

Eh I am really blogging for the sake of blogging. Fuck it.

P.S  Room is still a mess, seeing gorgeous guy at his work tomorrow, etc.

Normally my blogs will start out in a fit of either rage, depression or just general darkness, but I’m thinking I’ll start this baby on a lighter note before unleashing the insanity. I want to do a post about a new boy in my life, a special boy… Why Aretha Franklin you ask? Because that is how this boy is making me feel. I am not a christian boy of course, if anything I’d be a non-practicing Wiccan neo-spiritualist pagan of some sort (I have yet to tell the boy the full extent of my beliefs as it is a muddle, but I digress)

This gorgeous boy has wormed his way into my head and heart and is all I can think of. I like the, no I LOVE the feeling of his arms around my, his lips on mine, etc. All of this is fairly new as I’ve taken a more cold-hearted approach to fellow humans and I only just now understand the term “falling for someone”. It is the feeling of every time you see them, you want to see them more and more and more because you like them more, more and more again. It seems to be a painfully slow yet head-spinningly fast road to our future, whatever that may be. Hoping that in the near future I may call him “boyfriend”

Really that is all I have for now… I like him, I want him to be mine, I hope he is off of work soon so I get to talk to him

P.S My room is still a mess, UGH!

P.P.S My job is shit, I fucking hate it. For once I would like a job that doesn’t make me want to hurt myself in some way.

Kinda regretting being so hasty to delete all my old posts… there was some decent (non-backed-up) shit in there. Ah well, I’ll just have to go insane with the blogging.