Well for one I hate it when I forget to blog for about one and a half months but shit happens really.
Two days ago, I turned 21. I am very unhappy with this as like most people in my generation, getting older is crushingly hard on the ol’ psyche. The really interesting thing however is I seem to be hitting an instant identity crisis. I’ve woken up this morning to look up some books to fill my shiny new Amazon Kindle™ with, and after browsing my favorite things (gothic literature, psychology, gay&lesbian lit, etc etc), I came to the realisations that I both didn’t care for the books I was seeing and that suddenly, anything that applied to me seemed very fake. This post is going to be in two parts. The first being the feeling of my identity dissolving with age like berocca in water, the next will be what I hate about the “labels” that would best suit me… well a few anyways.
Starting off. I was once and apparently still am many things. Homosexual, boyfriend, goth kid, intelligent outspoken arsehole, friend. But now it feels as if they are all drifting away like smoke in the air.
Being gay is no longer fun for sure. It was once new and exciting and different and liberating. Now it is just a normal thing where I am expected to help girls pick out dresses and march at rallies fighting opressive religious zealots. Of course there is my boyfriend too… that’s nice I guess.
Next up is the “goth kid” bit. Although I dress the part, walk the walk, think the thought and sometimes cut the cut, it just doesn’t feel like it exists any more. Something very hard to explain. Like it is a ghost within me.
As for the intelligent outspoken arsehole thing, I am now in a position where my opinion no longer matters, even to me. Yeah I have thoughts, ideas and all that, but they just feel like clutter now, it is not pleasant.
As far as friends go? Well I withdrew socially a long time ago, and apart from my boyfriend and pet lesbian drinking buddy, there is not much in the way of a social life.
PART THE SECOND! THE THINGS I HATE! (booyah repetition)
Gays – I am so sick of the incredible bitchy attitude that seems to come with days. They seem to love having a snakry, stuck-up attitude with strange wardrobes and love to flaunt their sluttiness. The fact that 100 fucks a month is like a medal of honor is truly annoying, it is like they never grew out of high school. It seems like the moment you discover you like cock, you are in the worldwide competition to be the best GaGa Starr you can be
Goths – People I cannot stand. Never could really. These “intellectual” fuckwits will try so hard to perpetuate and image of dark, dreamy intelligence that I don’t think they even hear the shit tumbling out of their mouths sometimes. A carefully worded deconstruction into the subtle relationship between Spongebob and the grave or some bullshit like that is just that. Bullshit. And of course if you have never heard of some obscure band with a fanbase of perhaps 10,000 people worldwide, then out comes the “Gothier than thou” attitude, because of course knowing them is how you earn your bat wings. And yes, although I love my platform Demonia boots, the people with loud cars, greasy mullets and bad clothes deemed me a goth kid from their car windows long before that.
Boyfriend – Why oh why do relationships have to be so fucking annoying? EVERY TIME! Every time I say something about what irritates me about my “other half” to someone, I am greeted with the warm response of “that’s what being in a relationship is”. Sure I like the boy, and he is nice to be around, and the whole writhing around naked with each other thing is nice too, but my god he annoys me. I have a limit to how much physical contact I can handle, like a health bar or something, and it seems as if he will stroke and die if he is not holding my hand or has his head on my lap or his arm around me. Then when I tell him to stop, he gets upset and shitty, for I am the bad person. Not just that but I NEED ALONE TIME! Somehow he doesn’t get that we will in fact survive, if we go a day or two without contact via phone or face to face. A simple text message would even be okay buuuut no. He must call and chat for hours if we are not seeing each other and if he has the day off of work it must be spent with me. Before I met him I was prepared to be single for the rest of my life, so yeah, give me some space on occasion please. It’s not that I don’t appreciate him, but familiarity truly does breed contempt.
I’ve run out of steam now so I guess it is time to watch some Battlestar Galactica or shower or something. But I would like to leave some final words on this.
Getting older sucks, the expectation of maturity fills me with seething misery, the world will spin for a long time and these words like the computers that present them will outlive me, and it is truly an odd thought that in 100 years time, someone may just be reading them, wondering what went on in the early years of their grandparent’s or great grandparent’s generation with people. Identity is a myth that the human brain clings on to and when it either goes away, becomes trivial or is discovered as a mythin, the brain will freak the fuck out and make you write crazy blog posts.