Not Letting It Die
Friday, July 16th, 2010It seems that without publicly displaying my blog, I am actually able to keep it going. Feel free to analyze that, I know I have been.
Anyhoo nothing opinionated or political tonight, this is just more of a little blurty vent. Just wanting to rant about how bored I really am with my life in general. I am perpetually finding myself in bad jobs ever since I left the only good one I had, which of course means I am stuck living with family… the wrong side of family. The catholic fucked up family. Lots of money, a bit of power but generally toxic to be around. I have boxed and boxed of shit I “own” that I just want to rid myself of because it is all weighing me down. I wonder why my mind has been so clouded recently (and always) and I am slowly beginning to realise it is due to the sheer amount of material shit in my life, Now don’t get me wrong, I am not on a Buddhist or Jedi streak here of releasing all material possessions, in fact I love my material possessions, but to a limit. I am so over all the crap I am still hauling around since I was just five years old (the age I associate with gaining consciousness). I want to clear the garbage once and for all, I want to get a decent job that doesn’t hurt me to participate in, I don’t know if I will be finding sanity any time soon but one foot on the ground sure would be nice.
Next topic is my boyfriend. I managed to hook that guy (and if he reads this I hope he knows I do love him). We have all these watery emotions for each other and seem to be jumping to a passionate, sometimes sexual place every time we see each other. Why? Because although we see each other often, it is in short periods of time where there is no time for real deep conversations and we have not yet gotten to know each other enough yet. Although I am sure our pasts will never break us up, I am growing ever more agitated at this lack of information that we have yet to share with each other. The passion is nice, the sexual activity is nice but the ever-active brain in my skull is going insane without a full background history on this guy.
Speaking of my brain, next topic. This is much like the first paragraph but different. Different in the way that my brain is extremely agitated at the lack of activity it is getting. I used to think that switching off my brain was the key to happiness but it is not a possible task and I am sick of the dumbed-down version of my life that I am living compared to the spectacular life I could currently be leading. I loathe the fact that I have fallen into a severe rut that does not allow me to pull myself up at this point. I am now trying to be a “good person” and stopping the one thing that actually amused me, which was mind games (or the mindfucking of those around me). So although I can continue my home studies, it seems I get to use my knowledge of the things that interest me less and less. To add to the pile of shit, I am once again enjoying the benefits of anxiety related insomnia which means I am having to down cheap wine to maintain a bearable sleeping pattern and until I level out again I am dealing with irritating short-term memory loss (a bitchy symptom of both depression and anxiety) and a difficulty studying/learning (another bitchy symptom).
On top of all this, I seem to be gaining a bit of weight lately and my natural “purge the calories” instinct is kicking in… I think I may just give in to these old urges, swallowing mouthfuls of puke is beginning to agitate the fuck out of me.
I just need to keep working at things to get a system back together ergo getting my mind under control. Now on the verge of a panic attack so wrapping this up. Actually ending it… Goodnight.